After my last diary entry,
I was thinking about what to write next,
but nothing really came to mind,
so I'll try writing about what just came to me
as I opened my computer.
Someone who read my last diary entry asked,
"KIKU, have you always had this way of thinking?"
For what I mean by "this way of thinking,"
please refer to my recent diary entries...
I wondered about that too~
Have I always thought this way?
I tried to recall.
When I was in high school, during summer break,
I once traveled to Akita with a close friend,
using a Seishun 18 Kippu train pass.
We were casually chatting on the riverbank.
At that time, I told my friend,
"If my life ends, then this world also
just closes its curtains and ends, right?"
And my friend,
startled, said, "Huh?! What's that?!"
"Are you saying you're the protagonist of this world or something?!"
I remembered thinking,
"Huh?! Isn't that right?!"
I thought everyone thought the same way.
Calling oneself a protagonist might sound
exaggerated and hard to grasp, but
I don't mean a protagonist acting out a comedy or tragedy
in a grand scenario or stage, like in a movie or drama.
How should I put it?
Since it's my life,
if life is a story,
then I'm the protagonist, right? That's what I mean.
This wasn't something I thought of in high school;
I've always thought this way,
even now, and have lived with this belief.
Of course, even if I die,
this world will continue to exist as it is,
and no one will be troubled; tomorrow and the day after will come without issues.
But when my life ends,
the self that perceives things here and now
will disappear,
so the curtain will indeed close.
I still live with that feeling.
What I want to say is that
most things that happen in the future, present, and past,
regardless of whether you desire them or not,
are your own responsibility.
Even when a great trial comes your way,
it's not like I think, "This has meaning for my life!"
or adopt the mindset of some great person;
good things and bad things
can have meaning, or they can have no meaning.
However, how you feel
and how you deal with it is something you can decide for yourself,
so I mean that steering that course is your own responsibility.
Once, in my mid-thirties,
I quit my company job
and attended an Ayurveda school.
It wasn't that I particularly wanted to become a counselor or therapist;
I just wanted to study, but
the curriculum included
a counseling class.
Perhaps because it was a course where you could get a qualification
like a life advisor after completing one year.
There, the instructor said,
"If you haven't had difficult experiences in your own life,
it's hard to understand the pain of others and counsel them."
Listening to not only my classmates but also
people I had met who truly had difficult lives,
I realized I had never really experienced severe hardship in my life.
From the instructor's perspective,
I would be unsuitable as a counselor.
It's still true now, but
I've never once thought, "I want to die."
*I did think "I'm going to die" during childbirth.
However,
it's not just a simple matter of saying,
"Well, well, you're a lucky one" (though it's true lol).
What the instructor said does have a point, but
if you were to compare,
I wondered if it wasn't presumptuous to think that
the person who has had the most difficult experiences in the world
could understand and advise those who have had less difficult experiences.
There are people who say,
"Nobody understands me."
"You can't possibly understand, because you're more ◯◯ than me!"
(Fill in ◯◯ as you like:)
"beautiful," "rich," "privileged,"
"happy," etc.)
I really think that's true.
Ultimately, other people's problems are other people's problems.
You decide your own matters.
Nevertheless, reading books by people with epic lives
or watching documentaries and shallowly thinking,
"I'm still better off" also feels wrong somehow.
No, it's not like that.
I think it's meaningful because you can learn
how to perceive and how to deal with things when something happens.
There are people who complain about their current environment,
for example, griping about their company or boss.
I, on the other hand, if I felt like quitting my job,
I would just quit. I think it's better to simply quit.
Otherwise, I think it's better to do something
to avoid complaining.
I'll complain a little, of course.
But when I see people who complain all the time,
they decided to join this company,
and they decided to be here now, yet
they complain about their workplace or boss,
which implicitly means they're saying "my choice was wrong,"
and I wonder if they're not embarrassed.
I'm speaking pompously, but
if I ever fall into such a spiral,
I want to return to the point of "I decided this myself"
and strive to resolve the situation.
In Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning,"
even in the harsh environment of a concentration camp, when one might think death would be better,
one might still think, "The sunset is beautiful."
One's reaction to a certain phenomenon
is a freedom that even cruel Nazi officials cannot take away.
"What you have experienced, no power on earth can take from you."
Such a passage appears (it might not be exact...)
That's my favorite part.
Freedom is truly about that, isn't it?
However, when we speak of freedom,
there is nothing cheaper or more vulgar
than to define the value of one's own happiness
by using rumors or the misfortunes and hardships of others as material.
Many of my friends,
including those I've known since university, have similar sensibilities.
Few people badmouth their husbands.
I married my husband myself, and
I believe most things in my current life are the result of my own choices.
I don't think all my past choices were correct,
but both the good and bad things
aren't inherently good or bad as they are.
I believe that continuously improving and making things better
is what learning in life is all about.
This is also a pretty ideal sentiment.
If you ask if a child who is experiencing abuse
chose that environment,
the answer is no.
There are indeed things that cannot be changed in reality,
and the world is full of irrationalities.
Nevertheless, the freedom that Frankl speaks of still exists for humans,
and we are indeed the protagonists of our own lives.
"It's never too late to do what you want."
People say things like that.
But if I say,
"I love high school baseball, so
I want to go to Koshien now!" That's impossible.
A woman in her mid-40s can't just become a Koshien player.
However, if you delve deeper into "I want to go to Koshien,"
you might find that the emotional experience of wanting to enjoy youth,
get muddy with friends, practice, and aim for victory
can still be experienced from now on.
Because it doesn't have to be high school, or Koshien, or even baseball.
So, that's what I wanted to write about,
reflecting on a question from a diary reader.
It's been raining constantly,
the state of emergency has been re-declared,
and there are so many things I can't do anything about.
But still,
how I choose
to steer this life of mine
is something I, the protagonist, want to decide.
With that,
I'd like to conclude today's diary entry.