The title is rather philosophical
but please read it casually as usual.
First, to state my conclusion upfront:
There is no clear answer to "Who am I?"
Please bear that in mind.
I really love Miura Jun,
and among his works, the video where he lectured on the theme of "losing oneself" is the best.
Please do watch it.
(You can find it by searching for "Saigo no Kougi" and "Miura Jun")
Young people often go on journeys of self-discovery,
but instead of seeking out something as troublesome as "self,"
why not let go of it entirely?
Why not diminish one's worldly desires?
That kind of story.
It also appears in that video,
and it's similar to Keiichiro Hirano's concept of "dividuality,"
In short, there isn't a single, true self with one unique personality.
The self towards friend A (or the personality friend A perceives me to have)
Friend B, Friend C...
Children, parents, siblings, relatives
Partners, bosses and colleagues at work
People one happens to encounter on a train, and so on.
It's a story that suggests that the self is formed by accumulating
the personalities (which also change) that emerge in relationships with various people.
Conversely,
if I were the only one alive on this planet,
would there even be such a thing as personality?
Wanting to envy someone,
wanting to boast about oneself,
getting angry or falling in love,
various emotions arise when there's an object other than oneself,
and desires for self-approval or self-display
might also emerge from that.
Newborn babies, apart from instincts (eating, sleeping, excreting, etc.),
don't envy, boast, or act maliciously, do they?
Believing that being thin and beautiful is better,
that having a high education or income is better,
that being healthy and living long is good,
that family is important,
that getting married and having children brings happiness,
without questioning whether one truly thinks so,
we often mistakenly believe that societal conventions and common sense are our own values,
in a state of arrested thought.
However,
from the moment we wake up in the morning until we go to sleep at night,
information flows like a flood,
and we live adrift, moving back and forth within it,
so if we were to constantly think and judge "This is it!" for every single phenomenon,
we'd be overwhelmed. (Overwhelmed -> defeated)
During my student days, "individuality" seemed to be sought after.
There was a trend that emphasized strengthening "individuality = one's true self"
as a secret to success in how one could appeal in entrance exams and job interviews.
But you know, companies surprisingly
tend to prefer obedient people who say "Yes!" and follow orders,
even if they've been through unreasonable hierarchical structures in sports clubs,
and I can't deny the tendency for "individuality" to be translated into "selfishness" or "being troublesome."
Moreover, people who are cooperative,
get along well with everyone,
and just quietly do their work without needing individuality
are also necessary, right?
That's why I think we might be talking about "self, self, self" too much.
I've talked about this with a few people,
but I'll write something I don't really like to mention on blogs or social media.
About two years ago,
there was a lively discussion about racial discrimination in the overseas knitting community, wasn't there?
Just around that time,
a certain overseas knit designer
approached me, asking,
"I'd love to feature your yarn on my site as part of an initiative to eliminate discrimination against BIPOC."
BIPOC stands for Black, Indigenous, and People of Color.
I felt a sense of unease, thinking, "Huh?"
Looking closely, about 20 minutes before she sent the message,
she had 'liked' and 'followed' my Instagram as a mere formality.
I conveyed roughly three things.
"I have no intention of selling yarn
based on political ideologies or beliefs."
"If you genuinely like my yarn and want to recommend it,
that's welcome, but my answer this time is NO."
"Finally, I responded in broken English saying,
'You and your activities aren't bad, but it was a shock for me to realize for the first time from your message
that I am a target (or potentially a target) of discrimination, and someone who receives help
from the other side (who was white at the time).'"
The other person replied with, "Thank you for being honest!"
and that was the end of the matter.
If I could just think, without overthinking,
"Yay! A famous designer is going to feature my yarn!"
it would be much simpler and easier.
This incident is one example, but if my personality is partly formed by
the values and ways of thinking of countless other people besides myself,
then it's beyond my control.
Regarding the previous issue in the knitting industry,
another thing I found questionable about the racial discrimination problem
was the assertion that "silence is a crime."
It claims that being silent about racial discrimination
means complicity in "white supremacy" or saying "YES" to it.
Consequently, shops and designers who didn't speak up were being criticized
and subjected to boycotts, it seems.
I believe that expressing oneself is a right of freedom,
and not expressing oneself is also one of the rights of freedom.
For large companies like GAFA (do they still call them that?),
it might be inevitable that they explicitly voice opposition to racial discrimination
to clarify their stance, but I couldn't understand why individuals would be attacked for not speaking up.
From an American perspective,
"self-assertion" is considered important.
The value system implies that if you don't express your "opinion,"
it's as if you don't have one.
Is that so?
Isn't it okay not to go out of your way to say it?
Is it always necessary to assert oneself or clarify one's position?
I thought this yesterday,
but I don't feel that way today.
Things like that happen, right?
There are certainly times when opinions and discussions are necessary,
such as in politics, business operations, or problem-solving.
But in situations where it's not like that,
trying to defeat someone in an argument or attacking them
feels like a waste of energy.
Well, it's also okay that such people exist.
I've written some unpleasant things up to this point,
but still,
I think it's sometimes important
to consciously recognize, care for, and heal
this thing called "self."
In that case,
regardless of one's birth environment, skin color,
appearance, or past habits,
I think it's good to approach and engage with this "self"
from a more feeling-based, sensory perspective.
Cherishing feelings like "comfort" or "discomfort,"
"good smell" or "delicious,"
"relaxed" or "uneasy."
Don't overthink it.
I love organic cosmetics,
but recently I haven't been reaching for high-end brands like Chanel or Dior.
With organic and natural cosmetics,
even if the effects aren't dramatic,
they feel good.
My hands naturally reach for them, and taking care of myself becomes enjoyable.
In that way,
even if you can't explain the logic or reason for what you like,
there's a "I just like it ❤️" feeling, right?
If you collect and examine such things,
I think your "self" might become a little clearer
and you'll understand it better.
In one study,
participants were blindfolded
and told, "When you open your eyes, do not look for anything red."
The result was that as soon as they opened their eyes,
the participants started looking for "red things."
It seems that when humans are told not to look for "red things,"
they first look for "red things,"
recognize where they are,
and then try to move into the act of "not looking."
This is because they cannot "not look" if they don't know where the red things are.
Therefore,
if you tell yourself, "Let's try not to feel stressed,"
you'll first re-recognize what "stress" is,
so thinking, "Let's relax,"
will get you closer to the act of "not feeling stressed."
Chanting "peace" instead of "no war"
has a higher chance of realization.
From that perspective,
instead of constantly saying "me, me, me" and focusing only on yourself,
I think that if you direct your consciousness more towards
"harmony," "reconciliation," or the "whole,"
you might feel your rigid self loosen up.
My ideal "self" is to perceive myself softly, sensorially,
and then to drift with an appropriate sense of distance
from other people and the environment.