The rainy season has begun.
For a dyer,
it's a challenging time of year.
But this year,
I've discovered a method of drying clothes by setting up a dehumidifier and a fan in the bathroom,
and it has dried them just as well as if I had hung them outside.
I'm so happy! And the electricity bill is much cheaper than using a bathroom dryer.
Today, I'd like to write a little about the theme of "freedom."
More than anything, I want to be "free."
Whether it's travel,
eating meals,
relationships,
work,
how I spend my time,
even how I spend tomorrow,
my favorite books,
my position,
my way of thinking,
I love freedom in everything.
Group tours,
course meals,
hierarchical relationships and troublesome social interactions (as I wrote last time),
working as a company employee,
making plans and managing schedules,
the "right" way to read a book (if there is one),
being a "mother," a "part-timer," a "Japanese person," or any other such position,
being rational or logical, or old-fashioned,
not just common sense, but even my own way of thinking -
I dislike fixed ways of thinking.
In particular, I hated school.
Because, no matter what, "it wasn't free."
What is it about me?
This obsession with "freedom"...
It seems I was born with it.
Apparently, even as a baby,
if I wasn't fussed over, or if things didn't fit my mood or way of doing things,
I would get upset. (What a troublesome person I was.)
Whenever I feel a little lost,
or sense something is off,
I usually pause and ask myself, "Is this freedom?"
For me, "freedom" is
a sense of being completely liberated,
unrestrained,
refreshing and exciting.
I love that feeling.
For example, in my yarn work,
if I'm winding yarn into skeins.
I don't have rules or goals like winding until a certain point,
or completing a decided amount.
If my hands feel dry,
or I feel like having some tea,
I stop immediately and do something else.
Some of you might think, "Huh? What's that about?"
I know it's better to work efficiently,
and I do work efficiently to some extent.
But since a high degree of freedom makes me feel more comfortable,
I absolutely never push myself.
So,
people often tell me, "Don't push yourself,"
but I don't think I do push myself.
Because I can't...
Then, in due course,
I go back to winding yarn little by little.
It always gets finished eventually.
And I rarely find the work painful.
Because I do something else before I start to dislike it.
In my life,
being "free" is the most important thing.
Sometimes I want to decide tonight's dinner menu in the morning,
other times I want to wait until the last minute,
and sometimes I don't even make dinner at all.
My husband knows me like this,
so he rarely asks things like,
"What's for dinner?" or
"Where should we go this weekend?"
He leaves me alone just enough.
However,
when I really think about it,
the desire to be "free" too much
undeniably creates a lack of freedom. It's a paradox.
A tangled situation of "can't be free from freedom."
Even so,
I love "freedom."
When my son was in third grade,
during art class,
the teacher held up my son's artwork in front of everyone and said,
"Alright everyone. This is a bad example."
He came home and told me about it, looking sad.
Is there such a thing as "bad" in art?
Is there such a thing as a "correct" artwork???
Is it bad if 1 + 1 isn't 2?! (Well, yes, I suppose it is.)
So, I thought again, "I hate school."
While raising my child,
I constantly told him, "It's okay to be free."
My father told me recently that he had been worried about it.
He apparently wondered, "What kind of child will he grow up to be?"
But he grew up to be a good, honest child.
Although he's a bit naturally quirky and says strange things sometimes.
And because there was a foundation of "it's okay to be free,"
that art class wasn't traumatizing for my son (probably).
I did spoil him, I suppose.
He's my only son, so he's cute.
But he would learn about restrictive things and common sense
enough in the outside world, so I think he grew up
feeling "freedom" from a parent who was somewhat "free."
Sometimes people tell me, "You're so free, Mom,"
and there are times when I too feel a little annoyed at my son,
"What's with that freedom?!"
So we are distinct individuals.
I've always firmly understood that we were different beings since birth.
To go back to the paradox I mentioned earlier,
I think the point where I no longer feel the desire to be "free"
will be the goal of "freedom."
I haven't had much opportunity to express myself lately,
so I'd like to update my diary about once a week.
Well then, good night.