I think I'll try writing a diary entry after a long time.
I'm not good at lying,
so I rarely lie.
I want to say "never," but my motto is not to lie.
This is my normal, everyday life,
so it's not like I'm always consciously thinking,
"I'm not going to lie!"
For example,
around spring this year,
I was assigned a project at the hospital,
and there was a time when I was incredibly busy.
Even in the thick of it
or after it was over,
when everyone around me would offer their sympathy, saying,
"You must have been really busy and had a tough time,"
I would honestly say,
"It really was tough. I was busy."
I wouldn't say,
"Oh no, not at all!"
The reason I'm writing such a trivial thing
is because a colleague
had just finished complaining to me
about how difficult things were for them,
and then answered an internal call with,
"Everything's perfectly fine!"
I thought, "Huh?"
Why wouldn't they just say, "It's tough"?
Of course, they say a lie is sometimes expedient in life,
and I've lived for nearly half a century,
so I can understand reading the room or
patching things up, especially at work.
If there's a reason why they can't honestly say, "It's tough,"
then they could say, "Well, well" or "Uh-huh," or at least
avoid saying anything that denies the difficulty.
I think there are other options.
This colleague is always like that.
What they say to me (presumably their true feelings)
is different from their attitude toward others.
And then, it suddenly occurred to me:
if you accumulate a lot of these small inconsistencies (I won't call them outright lies, but still),
might you lose sight of your true self?
(*The discussion of "what is your true self?" will be for another day. I don't know if it will happen, though.)
Also, I sometimes wonder if
even when they're interacting with me,
it might not be their true feelings.
To go back to my own story,
I don't drink alcohol
and I don't like places with loud conversations,
so I don't attend drinking parties.
However, I've never been unfairly treated because of it.
Or, if I was, I didn't notice, so it didn't cause any problems.
I hardly ever attended work drinking parties,
and I've never been to a drinking party related to my son's school.
Of course, I do have meals and drinks with close friends.
That's because there's joy in chatting with people I love,
eating delicious food (important!),
and sharing meaningful time in a comfortable space.
You might call me selfish.
And I can't deny that,
but I don't recall ever having much trouble at work.
I don't have any mom friends at all;
since my son was in nursery school,
I've only become close with one friend.
I even impress myself with how far I've come.
I know it's not an excuse because there are many working moms who maintain friendships,
but I just didn't dedicate my time to that.
For school-related roles and committees,
I chose ones that could be done alone.
Even with my son's baseball duties,
I managed without any issues, even without particularly close friends.
There was no one I could ask when I had problems,
like not knowing about notices my son (especially boys?!) didn't hand over,
or important documents to be submitted.
But it never became a big problem.
Of course, I knew people by sight,
and there are surprisingly many mothers like me who don't socialize in groups,
so I don't think I gave the impression of being particularly difficult to get along with.
Also, I'm not lonely at all when I'm alone,
in fact, I prefer it because I can move freely,
which is another reason I don't socialize in groups.
Once, when I casually mentioned this
to a junior colleague at work,
they were impressed, saying, "Is that really okay?!"
That colleague's child was a bit unique,
and they were worried about the comments from teachers and other parents.
I used to think my individualistic way of life
was awkward,
so if my junior colleague felt a little more at ease,
I thought perhaps my stance wasn't so bad after all.
And so,
getting back to the topic of not lying,
I think the reason I didn't join the circle of mom friends
was that I couldn't bring myself to say, "Yeah, that's right~"
to conversations among mothers that I didn't agree with.
Instead of paying 3,000 or 4,000 yen
for a drinking party where I can't drink,
if I think I'd rather go for a massage with that time,
or splurge on that cookbook,
or if I'm going to spend, I want a delicious course meal,
then that's what I should do.
If I accidentally convey incorrect information at work
or cause a misunderstanding,
I would immediately apologize and correct it, right?
That's out of consideration for the other person,
but also to maintain my own credibility.
If I put myself in that situation,
I think that if I keep lying or saying things I don't mean,
my own credibility will drop.
I feel like that can lead to a lack of confidence
and also distrust toward others.
Many of the people I feel good about
are honest people.
Conversely, I feel suffocated by people who aren't,
and I naturally keep my distance.
Even if someone has a different opinion or values from mine, if I think they truly believe it
and are speaking honestly, I find it interesting. It piques my curiosity.
My relationship with my recently deceased mother-in-law
was also one where I didn't unnecessarily try to accommodate her
or put on a façade.
After all, a mother-in-law is essentially a stranger,
so it's natural for our opinions to differ,
and I often used to say,
"I think this and this, but you, Mother-in-law,
think that, don't you?"
I didn't vocalize everything I thought,
and I didn't say things I felt didn't need to be said,
but I think our relationship was open and honest.
To expect someone to infer what you didn't say,
is rather a selfish attitude,
and in order to make communication more comfortable and improve relationships,
not lying is a fundamental prerequisite, I believe.
Whether it's my husband or my son,
if they lie,
I get very angry.
Often, the reason for their lies
is my fault, so I reflect on that.
I tell them I want them to be honest.
People often say, "You got angry when I was honest," :)
But when I lie,
I feel awful
and unsettled,
so I simply don't lie.
That's all there is to it,
and I can honestly say that this is my strong point.
I thoroughly apply this motto
even to very small, minor things,
and I don't give compliments (for better or worse).
However, I'm careful not to say things that would hurt others,
even if I think them.
Just being honest doesn't excuse hurting someone.
It's the same as saying being right isn't a reason to hurt someone.
The reason I don't lie
is a way to maintain my self-trust.
I don't particularly think I'm right
or that I love myself,
but it's easier to accept myself
as I am, without pretense.
I can feel free.
Do you all have a personal motto?
Don't you feel that sticking to it somehow allows you to be yourself,
and that it might even be a strength someone praises?
I suddenly thought about such things,
so I decided to write them down.